


talking to the moon

by honeybini



Category: Stray Kids
Genre: Angst, Jealousy, Love, M/M, Pining, friends - Freeform, i still suck at tagging what is new, other boys are mentioned and implied, seo changbin centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:28:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27548362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeybini/pseuds/honeybini
Summary: where changbin struggles to admit his feelings to both himself and jisung but under the moon...[posted on twitter as well @stasungie]
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Seo Changbin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 40





	1. he had known

**Author's Note:**

> title is talking to the moon by bruno mars. feel free to listen as you read.

han jisung.

“han jisung is a problem. a very big one,” changbin thought intelligently.

in fact, he really was. his heart shaped lips, soft and squishy cheeks, warm and starry eyes, loving adam’s apple... his contagious and sugary, saccharine smile that changbin craved constantly. even as he sat at his desk, earbuds in, attending his very important lecture via the prestigious Zoom, he could picture that smile, imprinted in his memory, stamped on his eyelids, so even when he closed his eyes, he was restless from the light that infiltrated.

and jisung was light, light like changbin had only seen with felix, but jisung was different. jisung glowed, and made others glow too, but sometimes he flowed yellow, or bright orange and borderline red, and sometimes he flowed a scorched scarlet that changbin could feel from miles away, from missed calls and unread messages and unsaid, unspoken words.

he could feel those unspoken words, choking him up now, like the smoke and the scorching scarlet were on a mission. he checked his phone again, words dying slowly in his throat, a few letters too late, too soon, never on time, and never heard.

clicking on jisung’s contact, he was met with the same old— well, the new same old. “Read on 10/24/20.”

he couldn’t figure it out. couldn’t figure out what was lacking, why jisung kept on ghosting him, leaving him in the dark with blues and grays and the smoke of the scarlet.

he loved jisung. loved his quirks, the way he always cracked jokes for his friends and made the atmosphere cozy or chaotic, loved the way he randomly started belting paul kim in the car and prompted changbin to join, loved the way he crafted his words and thought hard to create art. he loved jisung, but it always came back to this.

words unsaid. days passed. colors smothering. jisung gone.

a notification popped up, similarly interrupting changbin’s pitiful reverie.

“@hanjione posted on instagram.”

fingers moving before inhibitions, changbin tapped on the notification, completely forgetting the lecture and his professor droning on and on as he stared blankly at the buffering screen of instagram, waiting. 

a screenshot of his spotify. talking to the moon by bruno mars. changbin hummed the tune.

“talking to the moon. tryna get to you. in hopes you’re on the other side-”

“perhaps seo changbin could answer this, hmm,” the professor hummed, and just like that the moment was over.

changbin hadn’t seen jisung in weeks. not at minho’s place on his birthday, not in passing in the halls or on campus, not in 3racha’s shared studio. he wasn’t anywhere to be found. changbin knew he’d see him eventually, catch the faintest glimpse of the boy who held his heart in his tied hands. knew he’d see him by thanksgiving, as was tradition for the 8 boys to meet at chan’s each year, but that was two weeks away. he missed him.

changbin did end up seeing jisung, if it even counted as a glance. the younger boy was rushing out of the studio as changbin was slowly walking in, footsteps heavy with uncertainty and sadness. the blur of gray had passed him in a flash, but he had known it was jisung. he could just tell.

changbin didn’t see him again, until friendsgiving.

he was right there, so close, only an extended arm’s length away— but changbin only felt him drifting farther and farther. right there, on the other side of the kitchen table, joking with felix about some new game they had just started playing.

“so unfair,” changbin thought, almost bitterly. unfair how jisung could just be standing there and simply in his relaxed stance he would easily be the loveliest person in the room. his beautiful sparkling eyes, cutest nose that was asking to be booped (changbin just knows), cheeks that melted anyone’s heart, lips that were slightly chapped but still charming in its’ heart like shape— adam’s apple that drew a heart over and over again, so traceable with changbin’s eyes as he looked over and over again. 

maybe he was too obvious, and maybe that’s why the boy’s adam apple disappeared from his focused line of view and gravitated towards him, closer and closer, so close that changbin simply wanted to reach out and trace the line of jisung’s heart shaped adam’s apple himself. almost like a bubble that was waiting to be popped— would he do it? could he?

instead his eyes flitted to jisung, standing before him, sparkling eyes filled with concern as he stared at changbin, a dumbfounded expression on his face.

“get out of your head changbin,” he thought, staring back at the boy with an unfamiliar intensity. “hyung? are you okay?”

and changbin just stared. stared at the boy whose eyes were glimmering with concern, more concern or even recognition than changbin had felt from jisung in days. so he stared, not knowing how to answer jisung.

the younger didn’t seem to like this; hand grabbing changbin’s and dragging him out of chan’s kitchen and into the backyard— cool, evening, autumn air blasting changbin in the face, waking him up from whatever stream of unconsciousness jisung’s presence had left him in.

only then did he register the hand in his own, warm and comforting and slightly rough from many days bent over a guitar and the work that had shaped the boys as a team. the warmth spread from his hand to his body, tingling and defending changbin from the harsh, unforgiving air of november.

was it crazy to say that a hand in his is all it took? all it took for him to find his words as he faced the loveliest boy in the world who glanced back at him, illuminated so gorgeously in the moonlight. the lunar glow fell on his cheek, stars for eyes still shining brighter than changbin had seen earlier, and nose gently curved and softened in the guiding glow.

he could do it. he could look the boy he loved in the eye and tell him. tell him how much he was so hopelessly in love with his big heart. he was building up on that lunar courage, the same one that had somehow led to the two of them here.

just a few minutes ago he was looking at jisung as he always had, from a distance. even when he gazed fondly at the boy in the studio, he wouldn’t allow himself to acknowledge what it meant— what his feelings had meant, what this cycle of leaving and pining and yearning meant.

if you asked him, he had always known. when he opened his mouth to confess, he didn’t feel forced or rushed or impatient or nervous— he felt serene. softened gaze and softer, sweeter words, slipped from his mouth, an instinct; “i love you.”


	2. when you are ready

the words hung in the air like the stars above, hung in the sky, illuminating the atmosphere with their intensity and passion.

changbin felt a bit like the stars in this moment. he was a star in his own way, one that shone bright when it wanted to and when it couldn’t help it. around jisung, he couldn’t help it. he couldn’t help the moon guiding the words from his heart through his throat and spoken from his mouth so softly, so clearly. he couldn’t help looking at the boy, and it seemed like he wasn’t the only one with a staring problem.

because jisung was staring. staring at his hyung who had just unveiled his heart to him, who he had left without a breath of acknowledgement for weeks, who he had avoided periodically for when it got bad. when it got so bad that jisung couldn’t look at changbin without his own chest hurting, longing stamped in his gaze that his hyung never noticed.

and now he had the audacity to tell jisung his feelings, so freely under the moon and the stars in the november night’s chill, with friends a few breaths away. looking at changbin now, jisung doesn’t know what to say. it is an instinct for him, but he doesn’t know why it surprises him, when his arms pump and his legs sprint away, like he hadn’t just seen his hyung in his entirety for the first time, heart and all.

when he sprinted, through the door of the house and to chan’s room, he wasn’t thinking right. he had to have some sort of misconception in his mind right now, to believe that changbin truly loved him, that he loved him and didn’t know how much jisung had felt.

jisung had simply felt so much being in his hyung’s presence. he never wanted to put a label on what those feelings were, not wanting to feel pressured in any way, but he knew. he knew when his heart beat a little faster, when his eyes sparkled at changbin’s laughs, when his hyung gave him head pats and warm hugs, when he reassured jisung in the harder times, when they would rap together in jisung’s dorm whenever seungmin had left for class, when they sat with each other and needed nothing else but their peaceful coexistence... jisung knew it all. he’d known for a while now. nothing showed him that changbin knew like he did.

could changbin love him like he did?

—

an hour or two had to have passed with jisung sitting in the same position- knees to his chest, arms hugging his elbows in a bruising grip. it must’ve been bruising from the way his fingers flexed and tensed, but jisung didn’t register any of it.

when chan barged in frantically, clearly worried, he found jisung with his eyes unfocused and glazed over with a tinge of regret and unreachable longing. he sighed, then, at his hopeless friends. the heavy exhale of air seemed to stir jisung out of his unconsciousness. enough, at the very least, for him to accept chan’s warm arms circling around his waist to pick him up and gently, so gently, place him on the much softer bed.

jisung stilled at the instant ache that reverberated throughout his bones at the realization of how hard the floor had been on his body. he hadn’t even recognized the soreness a few minutes ago, but it was painfully present as chan wrapped his arms comfortingly around him again. he allowed himself to drink up the comfort; a man desperate to quell his thirst. jisung pulled away, throat still dry like the right words had failed to slip through and heal the cracks he created when he turned and ran.

chan could read it on his face, an open book to those who could look past their own feelings to see his. chan could see how much jisung was feeling. he could see the boy in his hold in poorly glued pieces. eyes filled with understanding and knowing, chan put a hand on jisung’s shoulder.

“go to him.” a quivering breath from jisung. “maybe not now, but when you are ready. it is not too late. he will understand.” almost, the next few words almost slipped out of chan’s mouth ... he loves you, he thought to himself, he will always love you, and for that, he will give you time to be fair to yourself.

jisung shakily nodded, not quite believing chan’s words, but wanting to believe them all the same for it seemed that changbin meant it. when his thoughts slowed a bit and his brain cleared slightly, allowing for the hope of his heart to shine through— he hoped that changbin meant it. he hoped that chan’s words were true, because he knew he would have to wait longer, a bit longer until he could face changbin again.

he should’ve been happy; he shouldn’t have ran away— who does that? what was changbin thinking? how was he feeling?

it struck jisung that he had only thought of the weight his heart carried, and not that of changbin’s, who jisung knew from many nights in the studio, many nights in the dorms, in the park, under the moonlight ... he knew changbin felt. changbin couldn’t help but to feel. he too was helpless to the lull of his heart and it had chosen jisung and jisung had just run from the man he loved who loved him back and god, he messed this up so bad and what could he do? how was he going to ever face changbin again and how dare he—

chan shook his shoulders, eyes stern with a sliver of concern: “jisung.”

“you’re staying here tonight. when you’re ready, he will be there.”

and of course, jisung knew what he meant, who he meant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are very much appreciated!!! getting to the end soon ? maybe :D


	3. show me, kiss me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “changbin.”
> 
> unwillingly, his eyes flitted to jisung’s. the way he was looking at him… jisung was looking at changbin so sincerely, eyes pooling with regret and words and feelings that changbin could only open his door a little wider, nonverbally allowing the younger in.
> 
> alternatively
> 
> show me you are who i believe you to be, who i know you to be, who i love you as. all of you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> final chapter!!! please enjoy. be sure to look closely as you read.

perhaps that’s why he did it. he wanted to be seen, recognized. perhaps that’s why changbin blurted those words out. only he was familiar with the vulnerability and sharing them in that moment...

it felt right.

words had sprung to his mind, after the adrenaline of the confession had run its course. words like selfish, inconsiderate, stupid. after the lunar courage left him, the voices in his head whispered those words to an unresisting mind.

eventually, changbin dozed off at some point, somehow back in his room, possibly on his bed. he wasn’t sure.

—

snowflakes danced and dropped from the sky as changbin turned the calendar on his wall to december. a new month, almost a new year. it didn’t matter to him much, but he couldn’t help but to stare at the days that had passed him by and think about the days that were going to pass him by.

he hadn’t seen jisung since that night. it wasn’t like before, where he’d catch a glimpse of sung on campus. no, now he saw the ghost of jisung. a flicker, an illusion, a hallucination because jisung wasn’t coming and he was sure of it. he had admitted that fact to himself a few days ago and nothing had proved otherwise.

if it was for jisung’s comfort, he was okay. that’s what he told himself. selfish, a voice whispered. no one was there.

changbin sat in the kitchen when he heard the rushed knocks. they sounded urgent and final and way too assertive for changbin’s tired state, but as he opened the door, any sliver of drowsiness flushed from his system. instead, pounding nerves and flurries of thoughts assailed him, because there stood han jisung.

eyes wide, changbin opened the door wider as jisung swept past him. he looked and stared and peered, and jisung did the same.

a large sigh echoed through the small dorm, but from who, changbin could not tell. his eyes stared at the empty space on his plain wall and scanned the wooden floor awkwardly.

“changbin.”

unwillingly, his eyes flitted to jisung’s. the way he was looking at him… jisung was looking at changbin so sincerely, eyes pooling with regret and words and feelings that changbin could only open his door a little wider, nonverbally allowing the younger in.

he would save his voice. too much was said last time. a lingering bitterness seeped in as he watched the boy’s small back move through his dorm and to the creaking rocking chair that he would always choose... 

familiar feelings stirred, and changbin willed them down. he had more control of himself now. he wouldn’t do it again, wouldn’t take that leap to alleviate what weighed on his mind and heart if it meant seeing jisung sprint from him again.

he was staring at him now, with that same gaze, albeit a little softer under the dim glow of the yellow light. the chair cracked back and forth; the noises setting changbin’s previously relaxed state into a more and more tied up one.

in the time that jisung drank him in with glittering eyes, changbin rocked from foot to foot before sitting at the foot of his bed. a few feet away, but not too far away in case this would end in a quickly retreating back. again.

jisung let out a loud exhale of air. it might’ve been seconds, might’ve been minutes, might’ve been moments.

the ticking clock was running out of time. jisung had run from it long enough, had refused to accept the hard, cold truth of blooming feelings and seemingly impossible relationships only for the impossible to suddenly not be so out of reach…

after avoiding changbin and his confession, though, jisung would not and could not blame the older if he decided he wanted nothing more with him. he hardly wanted anything to do with himself, but he knew he had run to the point of no return. he knew he had to explain if he wanted to keep the older in his life.

so he took one more breath, and he divulged.

falling in love wasn’t intentional. he didn’t sign a waiver, didn’t have any warning, any navigation to notify him that he had taken an unexpected turn and his path to self-discovery would now be elongated by a couple months.

it took an annual friendsgiving celebration to have jisung realize how much he had centered love around himself. he couldn’t define love perfectly, but he had taken the past two weeks to reevaluate what his love of changbin meant to him. 

“changbin, i…” another puffed out exhale, “i loved you secretly. i loved you recklessly, and i’m afraid that’s not the love you deserved at all. you deserve a love much better than mine. i’m a mess and a work in progress, and you’re so caring and thoughtful and beautiful and you deserve so much more than my measly thoughts and words could give you.”

“i came here to be honest, and so i will. my heart stirred when i saw you walk into the studio with chan hyung, notebook held firmly in your hands. you were so stressed back then, but when you finally showed me more and more of that tightly held notebook, i grew to love the way you shared yourself with me. i love how you drew me out of my shell too. you have that power about you, you know.”

a soft smile on his face. a surprised silence on the other’s.

“and well, it was my first time feeling so strongly. i had love for my friends before, but i knew this was different because my heart wouldn’t race and my palms wouldn’t be sweaty when chan sent a dimpled smile my way, but when we were simply in each other’s company… i just knew. and i don’t think i was ready to feel so strongly? i…,” his eyes focused and unfocused, words dying in his throat. he needed to say more. changbin deserved to know.

“i went to felix a lot. seungmin and hyunjin too. i couldn’t stop grossly overanalyzing and overthinking everything about our friendship, and i needed time. i’m not excusing ignoring you. i know it was wrong, and i’m so sorry for it. you didn’t deserve any of my bullshit. not throughout our friendship and not in november. i’m sorry that the most i can do is apologize.”

a tear. “not the most,” changbin whispered.

jisung’s clouded eyes fleeted over to changbin’s stormy ones.

“that’s not the most you can do.”

jisung’s mouth dropped open and closed and open again before a small, “what?” slipped out.

changbin moved from his uncomfortable perch on the edge of his bed to in front of jisung’s chair, gently extending his own hands to hold onto jisung’s clammy ones. “first, promise to communicate. i know you might need time, might need to figure things out, but please, if anything like this happens again, where you need time, tell me.”

jisung’s wide eyes peered up at him wordlessly. not because he didn’t have anything to say, there was so much more he owed to changbin, but he didn’t expect to hear the boy he had undeniably pained for weeks on end to prioritize the health of their—

“second,” his soft thumbs were rubbing comforting shapes into the rougher canvas of jisung’s palms, “show me.”

jisung’s breath hitched; eyes darting from changbin’s gentle gaze, to the frame of changbin’s family that he always profusely complimented, to his slightly cracked but glistening lips, to the snow that seemed soft but would turn to ice the moment he turned away, and back to the lull of the man’s lips again.

an unspoken question of desperation— jisung wanted so bad; changbin could sense it in the returning gaze, the thrumming of jisung’s hammering pulse between his fingers, and in hearing the hopeless and hopeful truth from himself. he was sure.

“kiss me, jisung.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was the chapter i wanted to get to all along. i really love how this chapter turned out and this fic in general. it wasn’t meant to be anything but the first chapter, but i decided to expand upon it and i don’t regret it (yea, run on but i get to do that in the notes 😁)
> 
> if you have any thoughts, questions, love please leave em below!! i honestly would have probably left this uncompleted without the motivation of comments so thank you all for sending that extra special love and encouragement. reminder that i cross posted this on twitter and of course finished it first there, but still feel free to follow me!
> 
> 🦋  
> twt: @stasungie  
> cc: honeybini

**Author's Note:**

> thinking of adding jisung’s reaction.. let me know your thoughts! comments and kudos are very appreciated :]
> 
> p.s. i have a reading and writing twt acc @stasungie !


End file.
